FMS : Circus Act...

‘Bas… ab aur nahi !!!’ (Stop… No more, please !)
‘Chat-pati Vivaah’ [:o] (Spicy nuptials)
‘Komal ladki…’ errr… what?.... ummmm… ‘Soft female?!’ [:P]

Tip of the iceberg, actually. There were at least a million other weird-named flicks screaming out at us as Nikhilesh and I walked the shady corridors of the Palika @ Connaught Place, Delhi. At odd intervals, you would even find the skinny, tight-vested, ear-studded, streaked-hair guy slipping dangerously close to you – close enough to whisper sweet nothings into your ears. Only that his sweet nothings would been filled with single-digit numbers and various (mal)-representations of the letter ‘X’. Of course, we would walk on – resolutely – with a shocked look that protested against the momentary danger our innocence was subjected to… oh heck, whoever paid for free lunch anyways ?!

Delhi had been a blur. It was difficult to believe that I had survived the XL massacre to be through the FMS episode in less than 24 hours. My lifelines – Ayon & Shubhra, one helluva couple – technically my relatives, but more like my friends. They stayed up till one in the night when I finally reached their place at Gurgaon, made sure I could commute safely and most importantly, in style in their Corolla – took me out for dinner and dropped me off at the airport even before six the next morning. All this, with a few shots of Bailey’s Irish crème – ah! the perfect holiday! Well, only hitch being that it wasn’t really a holiday.

March 10th, 2006 : My FMS interview @ Delhi

Now, this Delhi was decisively different from the one we used to frequent while in college – the one which made your eyes water the minute you set one foot in it. This then was the NCR – metro, CNG vehicles, et all. But yes, some things do not change. The many rings and by-lanes still managed to confuse the hell outta me – and it was thanks to atleast 20 autorikkawallas and 30 panwallahs that I finally managed to locate the FaMouS Faculty of Management Studies. One thing – these guys refuse to budge. In fact, it doesn’t matter whether you’re in Kanyakumari or Timbuktoo – you have to travel to distance to get to this building. But given the fact that they wrap up the 2-yr course at one of the lowest course fees (40000 INR), you could forgive them for not conducting interviews all over the countries.

What you could probably not forgive them for… is making your group wait for over two hours, while they got done with the previous one. 1..2..3… 7…8…9..what?! 11..12 ?!?! 12 people in our group! I was about to whisper an indignant protest to Kalyan, who was also in my group when much to my ire – I learnt that two other guys who had missed their turn the day before, would also be accommodated in our group. Holy Smoke! That made it 14 people in our group! That was almost as assured a fish-market as you could ever expect. Funny thing – three of us from the IMS batch @ Hyd were in the same group. Oh Boy - it promised to be one helluva party.

As we were waiting out turn, quite a number of their present batch of students voluntarily stepped in to interact with us – now this was nice J And in fact, a new experience of sorts. They fielded questions, narrated their own experiences – at times, even made the dubious attempt of pitching their university over the IIMs – but yes, full credit to them for livening up the otherwise lame hours that dragged on. After hours of hushed talks ranging from the Government’s lazy ‘I-don’t-care-for-your-time’ attitude to the eye-candy and more that Delhi University provides, we were called for our turn. So, this was it – I thought. And so, I’m sure – did 13 others and we bunched outside the wooden door.

The Ringmasters…

The room was the most spacious gd/pi room I had ever been in – almost too spacious to be comfortable. There were fourteen numbers chairs arranged in a neat semi-circle, with the evaluating panel at a considerable distance. In fact, it seemed less like a selection process and more like a pit where the 14 of us were supposed to battle it out amongst ourselves to gain a mile, a foot… an inch, anything – over the other. No holds barred. Kinda reminded me of one of those multi-tag team WWF fights. The ringside observers, of course – the three of them, were only too happy to be entertained.

To the extreme right was a middle-aged, plump lady professor – who looked too stern to be anything else but just that. Think of the last really authoritative woman who took you by surprise and gave the orders and expected you to follow them before you had even settled down – thought?! Well – now you know why I didn’t really mind the fact that she had stepped out while I was being interviewed. She virtually conducted the Group Discussion, single-handedly. Methinks that’s to be appreciated - we’ll call her Conductress, what say?

Next to her, was this fair and balding elderly man – thickset and with a no-nonsense air about him. You know, in my recent exploits – I have learnt to wary of a few men – their kinds. No… not that Palika bazaar fello’ ! The kinds that could deliberately choose to mess around with your time on-air. I decided to regard him with 90% caution and I daresay… 10% suspicion as well. [:)] Suave, yet prizefighter-like - the TopCop look – true! he looked all set to charge all fourteen of us with twenty-eight counts of murder without so-much as a blink. And TopCop, he will be!

The last one to wrap it up was your quintessential slow-speaking, geriatrically-challenged professor, who for all the happiness in the world around him, simply would not smile – neither did he make me smile, I assure you! But he had this frown – a constant forced-evaluation look. Not encouraging, at all. Rather depressing, if you ask me. And to top it all – he kept yawning in your face every few minutes. And trust me – its not a very pretty sight. Sleepy – thou hast been christened!

By now were in our seats, and I was none too happy to find myself right at one fringe of the semi-circle. No.2 out of fourteen! Jeez! I could hardly see everybody in the group, leave alone interface with them in a civilized and humane manner. With out wasting even the minute, Conductress decides to get on with the show.

Conductress: In a rather surrealistic tone. Welcome all of you to the final round of the selection procedure for FMS, Delhi. I swear to you - this was becoming more of an Indian Idol episode by the minute. You will have the group discussion and after this all of you will have to wait outside and will be called in one-by-one for the interview.

Sleepy, in the meanwhile, had started distributing small rectangles on which I suppose we had to note down our points. By the way, the lady was by no means finished. Watch out! Here comes the monologue!

Conductress: Now, there are quite a number of you. And in the process of the GD there might be instances where more than one of you would be talking together – you might be interrupted – you might be cut short – but we should not have anything like a ‘fish-market’ (OMG! She actually said it!) Please make sure everybody gets their turn to speak – the paper you have there is for the summary. At the end of the GD you will have time to write it. The topic will be chosen by the group itself – what?! – one of you please come here and pick a chit.

Simply put, opportunities like these should never ever be missed. You’ve got to make those reflexes work doubly hard to be on your feet in the split second where everybody else’s mind goes – ‘Oh, nobody’s stepped up as yet – should I? Shouldn’t I?’ One, because it’s your first chance to break free from the pack. Two, because the initiative could never possibly go down the wrong way. That’s why!

Enough said. I was in front of a box of paper chits – each looking innocuously similar to the other. Oh heck! I was never too good at treasure-digging in any case! Picked up one – and made sure I deliberated for an extra-second in front of the box – so that all of them, eventually would take a look at me to see if I was done with my inky-pinky-ponky or not.

Conductress: Alright, your topic is – India has proved to the world that its democracy is better than the U.S’s democracy.

Uh-oh! Right there – at that very moment, I was pinned as the guy-who-chose-the-horrible-topic! Sigh… if only that would have meant less people talking, and more people thinking. Not quite…

The Clowns…

Oh come now – with FOURTEEN of us, we could almost pass for a train. Apparently, a very noisy one – as we were all about to know. A minute passed in assimilating whatever points we could gather. Immediately, after that – 2 things happened almost simultaneously. I’m really not sure as to whether Conductress uttered a Start! first or whether the guy on the far end – (No.10 was he?) sped off the block with another one of those stale beginnings. And then, all hell broke loose.

Total mayhem. Quick on the heels of the initiator, was another cliché. It took the form of this suited bloke who merrily used the ‘before me step into this let us…’ line to define democracy and trust me, he did it in the most innovative way possible. He actually called it ‘of the people, by the people and FROM the people’ [:o] !! FROM ?! I was almost in splits – thought of correcting him, but I knew it was pointless. Three voices had already carried on with a parallel conversation. Well, if its gotta be dirty – I told myself ­– I cannot be the one who sits at the edge of the ring and lets the others fight over the prize. Fight, I must. Even if I don’t end up winning, I would sure as hell give the others a run for their money.

And the show carried on. Highlight one – the time when one of the sentimental fellows literally pleaded us to be civilized and talk one at a time so that the rare miracle called ‘hearing each other’s points’ would come to pass. What happened to him? Well, he was cut short… what did you expect!? Showstopper two – our dear Nikhilesh suddenly decides to play Laloo and lifts his hands with an exasperated ‘Just one question… Just one question’ chant – which lasted for a second even after we had stopped jabbering. What happened to him? He asked his question. After which, we stampeded him, of course. The sole lady earned her brownie points in middle – when this dratted chivalry-gene decided to act-up in all the guys, all at the same time.

A quick look at the panel proved to be most inspiring! They had, apparently lost all interest in the circus in front of them. Not that I would fully blame them – we were more chaotic than a bunch of fourteen red-nosed clowns bouncing about on a giant-sized trampoline. But - Oh my God! – they were actually busy with their Kurkure and coffee… and oh! they were actually talking to each other while this charade was underway. Precious, absolutely precious.

Well, I did manage to push in some facts – India being the largest democracy and US being the wealthiest democracy. Some jargon about ‘top-down’ democracy in the US and the reverse ‘bottom-up’ democracy here, in India. Hmmm… come to think of it, I did mention the fact about India’s middle class of 300 million people being more than the entire population of the US – a comparison drawn by President Bush himself during his visit to the country. Also, the fact that he admitted that the Indian democratic model was something which the US should strive to emulate. Of course, that truly does not change the doubt in my mind – I still think I was the only one who heard me!

Conductress: Okay, your time’s up. Thank you.

Lesson #487 : When they say they’re gonna give you time to write summary, DO NOT assume that you’ll be given five minutes. Not four, not three. Two, neither!

Sleepy had stepped up to collect our mini-sheets. Wwhat ?! Forget summary, I told myself, as I hastily tried scribbling down some of the points I made in a semi-neat format. By the time Sleepy had come over to collect my sheet, I looked at it – you could hardly tell it from a Doc’s prescription!

We trooped out and busied ourselves in making peace with each other. Before long, the second phase of the process got underway. This promised to be different – after all, there was the extempore to contend with. Funniest thing – we were asked to wait outside the door, till the baboos inside would buzz one of those 1950s bells. We, the living. The peons. The bell-boys, would then step inside the room to conquer the forces.

Playing the human cannonball...

Before long, it was my turn to be buzzed in. Stepping inside, I noticed that only two of them were there. Sleepy and TopCop. Hmmm.. oh well, from the trend it would last from six to nine minutes. How difficult could it be? I walked up to the panel. TopCop seemed to be preoccupied with something which you could not put your finger on. All the same, you got the impression that he was extremely objective in anything he said or did. He looked at you - his watchful eyes judging you - swiveling on his chair and digging in to a bowl of coated peanuts, at the same time. It was however, Sleepy who decided to kickstart the proceedings.

Today, I guess it shall be simply ‘I’.

Sleepy: Kaushik... come in - come in please.

I: Thank you sirs...

Sleepy: Yawn… So you're coming from Hyderabad...

I: Oh come now – it’s not that boring! Yes Sir, I'm working with Oracle, Hyderabad.

Sleepy: Ah… yes yes - Oracle Hyderabad - so how long did you say you have been working? (starts pouring over my form)

I: I decided to help him out. Sir, it’s been just over one and a half years - about 20 months to be precise.

Sleepy: And youuuuuuuu... he was actually dragging it like a chewing gum ....'re an 'Applications Engineer'... okay talk on this - 'Applications Engineer' for the next minute.

I: Awrite… I seem to have gotten off easy. My job role as my extempore topic – should not be too difficult. Started a pretty honest monologue about the hierarchy within the organization and the role in which any new recruit in the technology division was recruited - 'Apps Engineer'. Next, I shifted to the immediate higher levels of 'Senior Apps Engineer' and 'Development manager' and the average time it takes for an Apps. Engg. to hit these levels.

Actually honestly, it was getting real drab and boring… so I shifted gears to talk about how I did justice to my job as an 'Apps Engg.' - how apart from the prescribed job responsibilities and roles, I took up other tasks such as conducting technical training sessions within the team and building 'standards awareness'. Having sensed that I had spoken for more than a minute, I decided to trail off.

Sleepy: OKay – yawn!.. - so what team are you in - and what is the product that you develop ?

I: Questions like these – my pupils dilate – my involuntary muscles take over. I charted the much-traveled journey. Oracle CRM - Customer Loyalty team - building a frequent flyer program that was initially conceived as competition to Siebel Loyalty - post acquisition, our product lives on as the one for the airline industry, because of its sheer functional depth (Muhahaha…!!!) and Siebel is to be used for retail. (I slip into my immodest-best avatar) I single-handedly developed the core customer value assessment module - we assessed a member’s chances of moving up or down a hierarchical list of privilege levels - bronze, silver, gold and platinum for example based on over 50 personal attributes.

TopCop: Suddenly, he seems interested. So you have a couple of clients who give you these…

I: Ours is modeled on the requirements of our primary client, Qantas airways...

Now this is when I started bungling up - suddenly, just when I thought everything seemed fine - a doubt suddenly cropped up in this devil's workshop - and of all the doubts - it had to be whether it was actually 'Qantas Airlines' or 'Airways...' Thankfully, neither Sleepy nor TopCop seemed to notice.

TopCop: Again, that quizzical look. So what is the main challenge in building a module like this... how would you ensure effectiveness of the product?

I: Hmmm… okay this was well within the beaten track. Spoke about the increased competition in today's world - people use unethical means to lure customers as well - but these do not work in the long run. So our module helps identify those customers who actually contribute to the airline companies profitability - rewards them - by actually keeping track of what kind of rewards would be most appreciated by them - not a 'one-size-fits-all' approach (didn't use this term though.. damn – should have)... customize things to the level where the customer knows his value in the company.

Funny thing – I myself, didn’t know that Oracle Loyalty had a capability of customizing rewards, till I mentioned it in my speech. Where did that come from? Well, now that I did it, I had to play along with it.

TopCop: Was he really this interested, or was he just testing me. So what is it in Qantas's requirements - that sets your product a notch above the rest...

I: Oh come on, didn’t I look convincing enough? I decided to furrow my already-arched eyebrows. It has an in-built forecasting module - called Upcoming Tier Assessment Module – I love this - instead assessing a member for downgrade on the actual date we simulate downgrade assessments much in advance - as early as two months - so that if we see that a customer, who has in the past been a loyal customer stands a chance of being downgraded - we re-assess them using their 2-yr average frequent flyer points of their 3-yr frequent flyer accrual balance - this way we can intimate these members much in advance about the scenario such that they can take corrective actions and prevent themselves from getting downgraded...Voila!

TopCop: Didn’t make a dent. But other companies also do this - even Lufthansa does this - today everybody has this…

I: Dude, what does it take to convince these guys?! Not just truth, I guess. But the complexity comes in the number of parameters that is being used to assess the member’s chances - we have more than 50 different member attributes ranging from accrual details to personal - and we use business rules to leverage this data and assess a member. Humph – that’ll show Lufthansa…

TopCop was shaking his head now – his pursed lips indicated that he had not really bought my story. Uh-oh, I had already used up about four minutes – what do I do?

Sleepy: Your s.o.p - you mentioned your entrepreneurial… so how would I know this for sure - give me some proof to show that you are actually serious about this.

Now – the S.O.P – the statement of purpose – a 200-word cruncher which was supposed to give them a snapshot of you, our history, your strengths, your weaknesses, your ambitions, your short-term goals, your long-term goals… your this – your that. It’s crazy! People don’t finish these in 300 pages! And I, the Godforsaken, had merrily filled in one paragraph, about two months back – and completely forgotten to go through it in the time I had before the interview. Sheesh, I did not even remember what I had filled in!

I: In any case, now it was showtime – and I had to play my part. A 2-year b-school degree would be extremely helpful in leveraging my present experience - so that I could work as a consultant in the following years. Work for a few years and understand the industry I am in - we have heard about India being through a software boom - but there's only so much you can know about India's software industry by being in India - I would like to travel the world - find out how and where the software we make in the many corporate offices here in India are being used - the industries and then identify some of the niche areas which could be explored - for example, health and education in this country. Today we make the software sell it abroad - in about 10 years India would be rich enough to invest money in these sectors... By my early thirties...I cautiously wagered - I would plan on launching a venture which caters to these fields.

I think it’s something about these big bhaashans I end up rendering, that wakes up the dead. This time – apparently – the word consultant had caught their fancy. Of course, it would – I hadn’t mentioned it anywhere in my s.o.p [:o] !

Sleepy now starts on one helluva soliloquy - it was a question, actually - but I realized that only after a while - for the first minute I thought he had actually forgotten that we were sitting right in front of him - the next minute I tried barging in during the pauses in his speech... to answer of course - only to be interrupted again - by what was easily the longest and most circumlocutious question I have ever been asked. The yawns – well, by then – I think I had grown indifferent to them!

Sleepy: But consultants - their lives are very different in that - they keep shifting jobs and never actually stay in one place - how do you think that would help you... isn't it so - .... blabber blabber blabber blabber… basically, he wanted some more dope to do a double-check on my long-term plans.

I: I decided to put on my starry-eyed honest best avatar, and give it one last shot - I would agree with you to an extent - but a job change is ultimately a matter of personal choice stemming out of lack of satisfaction and an attempt to tend to realize short term goals. Not every consultant would have a vision of launching his own venture like me - some would thrive by switching jobs - my goal would be more of a long-term perspective - for example - a typical project in McKinsey – dreams alive, lol!!! - lasts for a span of about six months - after that I would shift to another undertaking - now this way, I would stay with the company but get a feel of different markets, different fields and ultimately make an informed decision by the time in my early thirties about what sector I would like to cash in on. Even now in my present job - I have seen people switch jobs for money, for visibility - and even I had that option, but I chose not to take it. I think that did it – he was convinced of the halo around my head [:)] So… ultimately... its a matter of choice and one's long-term objectives.

Sleepy: So what are your extra-curricular interests…

I: Now this was difficult – normally, I was used to the panel flipping through my certificates and getting an idea about the many things I tinker about with. Here, they had not asked to see my file and having to pick a few from that proved to be difficult. I could not lose time. Sir - swimming is something I am very passionate about - was in the university team and represented them in the district swimming championships. Apart from that - I was the instructor of the Dance Workshop - a forum for teaching ballroom dances to students who wanted to learn but had inhibitions about it - taught more than 4 batches of students. The dances included the jive, waltz... And I was about to shift scenes to music, when BANG! TopCop decides to book me.

TopCop: Not the foxtrot? I thought that was the simplest dance...

I: What?! Oh come on – you can’t pick a random dance, like this. Anyways, I was supposed to be knowledgable – and I decided to make the most of it. Sir... that's aaaaa..(my turn to chew the gum…)..rguable - foxtrot and charleston are on the easier side. But we used to focus more on the pair dances - which ranged from the waltz, which was classy and graceful to the jive, which was vibrant and very colourful. Awesome! What a grand and knowledgable statement!

It was only then that I realized that my seven minutes of fame were up – TopCop shook his head – threw a glance at Sleepy, who believe it or not – did not yawn this time. Alright, Kaushik – Thank you.

And then... it was done. So what else do you expect me to call it?

In retrospect

Much like one of those circus shows where you eagerly wait for it to begin. And once it starts, it’s as if there are too many things going on at the same time! In the melee you would find trapeze artists, clown, fire-eaters, motorcyclists – all, struggling to make an impact on the audience in the few minutes that they get. It’s a pity – that each of these phenomenally talented artists – each with hundreds of hours of rigorous practice behind them – cannot be granted their own show. Well, life’s like that. In the past one-and-half months, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt – and learnt it the hard way – it is that, no matter how many interviews or group discussions you have been a part of – a new one, always pushes you back to ‘Ground Zero’. When it’s a new audience, you simply HAVE to perform. Again. You HAVE to prove yourself, again. You have to gear yourself up and fight for all that there is to gain. THAT, is performance. Performing - under pressure, under expectations, under fatigue. It’s one of those unchangeable truths, which comes as a shock when we learn it the first time – and then…. we get used to it. Yet another brick in the wall of life. Well, so what if life does seem like a wall – if you can’t pole-vault it… climb it!

Sing for the Moment

Push on and shove... don't mean much,
Joker on Jack, match on fire.
Cold on ice, like a deadman's touch,
Whisper on a scream.... Doesn't mean a thing

- Blue on Black, Kenny Wayne Shepherd Band.


Verdict : Waitlisted at no. 007 in order of merit.